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Have you ever felt like just running away? Not from anywhere in particular just life in general. Today, that's what I wanted to do. I sat in my old room, on my ancient bed and I felt like I didn't know where I was. For the first time in a long time, I felt suffocated. Maybe I always felt that way. Today was different though. It was one of those days where everything seems to go by in slow motion. Or it could've just been my imagination. I know I think too much. Its not really my house itself that makes me feel trapped, but my own brain and my own thoughts. I feel like I'm not doing something I'm supposed to. Almost like my standards aren't high enough and because of that, I will never achieve this hidden goal. I have spent my life waiting for something to happen and I have come to understand that nothing will....Or it already has, and I blinked during that moment and it's gone. I don't know which is worse--to have missed it or to know there is nothing to miss. I'm terrified of uncertainty, yet its the one thing I want to accept. I have such high aspirations in my life and I am scared shitless that I'll fail miserably. I want to be confident in myself and become be the person everyone thinks I am. How will I ever live up to the expectations others have of me? I can never depend on anyone or anything but me. I don't trust anyone. And that's tough. Everyone tells me that it's not healthy to keep everything bottled up inside, but what can I do? Who am I supposed to trust? I think this is why I want to run away from my life. Life isn't horrible, its just not wonderful. I want to go away, to somewhere I've never been and I want to be daring, do something unexpected. Problem is, I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist anymore. And I won't feel secure until I create a new idea of home. I need people who want to miss the same imaginary place as me. Then maybe I won't have anything to run away from.
posted by Andie @ Wednesday, November 24, 2004
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