the bottom...i think.
my mom keeps telling me "once you hit rock bottom the only place you can go it up!". the problem is that i thought i already hit the bottom. and everyday that fucking hole just gets deeper and deeper. if i'm not careful, i'll be in china soon.
back for more.
we can't help it. we wear our scars so people can see where we've been. so we can find our way. we have stories to tell, about where we've been and what we've done. they're our scars. no one else has the same ones. and sometimes, we wish they belonged to someone else.
i remember the first boy i thought i loved. he came and went and came and then went, for a long time. each time i saw him, no matter how long it had been, my heart raced, my palms sweat, and i worried about every word i spoke. i never understood why he was always leaving. never around for any good amount of time. but he knew i would always be waiting. the time before i last time i saw him, i think he broke my heart.
but this happens every time. people come and go. sometimes they come back. i learned, i learned to toughed up and turn my back sometimes. on those occasions when they returned, i let them back in. into my heart. but you can't just stop loving someone so quickly.
some people just aren't ready to be completely encompassed in someone else's love. its just so many emotions. and we don't always experience the same ones. in time i thought, maybe, i could be one of those people. but its too scary to be caught up with one person, so they know everything about you. because that's who i am. i give me. all of me. and as of this moment, i don't know of one guy i want to give all of me to.
so i take what i can. i'm opening my eyes. i'm trying not to let my scars lead me, just remind me of where i've been. i let them tell me about how i got where i am. because sometimes, as much as i wish they weren't mine, my scars make me, me. so i look forward, with open, knowing eyes. and a guarded heart. into the future. into the unknown.
