i think i'm lost
It's becoming harder for me to see what i had in mind a week ago. I am terrified of life and cannot let go of the fear unless i somehow, inadvertently, manage to employ myself, and here i am again: sitting, waiting, disjointed. I'm so tired of dealing with all this bullshit. Escape is the only solution. But its unattainable. It seems that everywhere i turn someone is creating a wall, especially where they shouldn't be put. I just need some room to breathe, is that too much to ask?
unavoidable flaws
Lately I've been having an overwhelming sense of insecurity. The more things change, the more they stay the same. That's one of my tragic flaws: change scares the shit out of me. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still. It hurts to stay that way but I don't know to be any different. It feels safer somehow. And when I suffer, at least the pain is familiar. Because if I took that leap of faith and did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for me. Chances are it could be even worse. So I trek on. And I choose the road already traveled. To me, it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as faults go. I'm not a druggie or a killer. I'm not hurting anyone except maybe myself a little. I think when I finally do change, it won't be so sudden. I'm not going to wake up the next morning a totally different person. I'm pretty sure its the kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they paid that much attention to me. Thank god they never do. But I know I'll notice it. Somewhere inside that change turns everything upside down. And I'll pray there's nothing anyone can do to change it. It'll be the person I get to be forever. That I'll never have to change again.
