unavoidable flaws
Lately I've been having an overwhelming sense of insecurity. The more things change, the more they stay the same. That's one of my tragic flaws: change scares the shit out of me. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still. It hurts to stay that way but I don't know to be any different. It feels safer somehow. And when I suffer, at least the pain is familiar. Because if I took that leap of faith and did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for me. Chances are it could be even worse. So I trek on. And I choose the road already traveled. To me, it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as faults go. I'm not a druggie or a killer. I'm not hurting anyone except maybe myself a little. I think when I finally do change, it won't be so sudden. I'm not going to wake up the next morning a totally different person. I'm pretty sure its the kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they paid that much attention to me. Thank god they never do. But I know I'll notice it. Somewhere inside that change turns everything upside down. And I'll pray there's nothing anyone can do to change it. It'll be the person I get to be forever. That I'll never have to change again.
posted by Andie @ Sunday, December 05, 2004
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