maybe i....
.....should work on letting people in. i used to be an open book. heart on my sleeve, never afraid to talk about the things we really ought to be talking about. and then fear set in. fear is some pretty powerful stuff. i'd seen a lot of people get hurt, i'd found myself getting hurt. i didn't know how to stop it. how to numb myself to it.
i grew up watching my dad always in control and learning he only knew two ways of communicating: yelling and silence. my mom would just let him and i never wanted to be like her, subjecting myself to such anger. so somehow, i taught myself that the only way out, was to never let anyone in. if i ever felt like someone could be capable of hurting me, i immediately shut them out. you see, i have very thin skin, and i'm easily hurt (and you'd never know, because i play the stoic role very well). so over time i build my walls, until there is no way you can get to me and then, i leave. i never even considered it a bad thing. i was just protecting myself. i just didn't want to get hurt. i needed to be strong, because growing up i had never been strong. i had seen what weakness could do to people. people who were weak were controlled, manipulated and hurt, time and time again. i never wanted to be that way.
and i guess, somehow, in trying to be so strong, i lost myself. the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and talked about the things we ought to be talking about. it's just hard to find that happy medium between being someone's punching bag and being too strong. between being naive and being an asshole. it's sad what fear can do to us.
trademarks.
yeah i know, pulling a classic andie and fleeing the scene. goodbyes aren't my thing. i never get too close to anyone. if i do, i avoid them until they go away. dad get's the blame for that one. i inherited his amazing communication skills. so if you're one of those people, sorry. should have warned you. but after a while you'll forget all about me and find someone new to take my place. i'll miss you too, more than you'll know.
fav quotes from the united states of leland. loverly insanely fantastic movie. and everyone should see it.
The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people. Mostly it stays deep down and buried. Maybe we don't have God because we're scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we're really scared of the good stuff. Because if there's no God, well, that means it's inside of us and we could be good all the time if we wanted. So when we do bad things, it'd be because we want to or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place.
I think there are two ways you can see the world. You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out.
It covers my eyes. It's all I can see. Say there's some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won't let play because he tells corny jokes. And no-one thinks they're funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they're gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can't even look at each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably even worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.
Sometimes the most important stuff goes away. Goes away so bad it's like it was never there to begin with.
And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again. There's another thing to learn about tears, they can't make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again. It's the same with prayers. I wonder how much of their lives people waste crying and praying to God. If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God does. I can at least see why people would want him around. It's good to have somebody to blame for the bad stuff they do. Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do. They figure that God and the Devil are always playing this game of tug-of-war game with them. And they never know which side they're gonna wind up on. I guess that tug-of-war idea explains how sometimes, even when people try to do something good, it still turns out bad.
Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why. Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen.
I recall when our lives were unusual and electric. When we burned with something close to fire. But now we sway to a different rhythm. Lives lived without meaning or even directed hope. The passage of time measured only by loss.
Sometimes people say things that they know aren't totally true but they say them anyways because they want them to be true. And maybe that's good enough.
leland: I don't think I know what the definition of love is.
pearl: Well you know in you heart if you love somebody.
leland: But its not in your heart. Love's on you tongue, its a word, that's all
Love is when you can't get somebody out of your mind; when they are your first thought in the morning and your last thought at night. Maybe its not in your heart, but in your head.
Love is only a great thing because you know what it's like to have your heart broken; what its like to be alone.
i have a memory from freshman year. it involves naves, dudeins and i, in my (at the time) single bedroom. not quite sure how it started out, but it ended with naves photographing me drawing tais. for some reason naves was so fascinated by my drawing of her that he needed evidence. when i was in arizona i saw the picture of tais on her dresser. reminded me of happy times. and how naves said i should never stop drawing. and how it used to be the only thing that could make me happy.
i'm gonna start drawing again.
i was looking over all my old posts. below is a post from april of 2005. all but one are the same as they were over a year ago. its kinda sad.
I AM.....working on being happy again
I WILL ALWAYS.....be unreasonably self critical
I MISS.....how you made me feel
I HEAR.....vengeful words
I CRAVE.....trust
I WORRY.....that i am not good enough
I REGRET.....not saying everything i felt
I LOVE......life
I SING.....as if no ones listening
I LOST......all hope
I LIKE.....doing anything to make people happy
I DONT LIKE.....close minded people
I AM LISTENING TO.....dashboard confessional
I CAN BE.....indecisive and defensive
I LIVE.....for moments i never expect
I NEED......honesty
I KNOW THAT.....you will never need me as much as i need you
I HOPE......you miss me
I HATE......that i do what other people say i should do, no matter how much it hurts
I WANT.....to be accomplished
I WISH.....i was assertive
I CRY.....when i don't understand
I FEEL.....used
I BELIEVE.....i am easily forgotten
I AM PROUD.....of my family
I THINK.....too much
believe in me. help me believe in anything. cause i wanna be someone who believes.
i try so hard to make sure everyone is happy. and get the benefit of the doubt. and always get a second chance. but i can't anymore. cause i have no one doing it for me. right now there is no more love to be given out. i've finally run out. its exhausting and sad and tiring and becoming unworthwhile. no one says thank you these days. a little acknowledgement would be nice. i wanted to leave without saying goodbye. so i did.
