This is me.

my privacy has always meant so much to me and i am not sure why. with my inverting tendencies and my guilt-associated-need-to-feel-shame in regard to the rush of feelings at a young age. times when i felt so alone in the midst of my friends. i easily hold things in. i often think through the first three lines of conversation and what the other person might say before i even go up to them to say something. i feel comfortable one on one but self-conscious in groups. i have many friends and family that i only show certain sides of my life to. they each get a different shade of who i am. same at the core but very different on the outside and you'd have to put them all together to get a clear view of who i am. i don't trust certain friends with certain information. the thought of my ex-boyfriend knowing where i live would make me severely uncomfortable. to some i am loud and funny to others i am sensitive and calm and collect. i protect myself and my secrets fiercely. i have to protect what i have or others will try to break it, try to tell me why it's wrong, try to conform me.

yet i don't feel this is the end goal. i believe the end goal is transparency. living without shame or boundaries. giving myself up to friends and strangers alike so that there are no secrets... just a small level of privacy. nothing to hide. being myself. breathing for myself and not for what others think and feel. i am getting there slowly but i have to get there on my terms and this is my way there as best i know how. yet if i hold it in i will surely die but i have to hold it dear now, so that in the end i will have something to let go of instead of never having anything in the first place.

posted by Andie @ Monday, October 31, 2005 Comments: 0

late night

This loverly boy, Mr. Drew http://imdb.com/name/nm1682647/, felt the urge to late night drunken call me for a second night in a row. He was upset, one of the reasons being that i didn't hang with him whilst he was in boulder last night, so i listened to him gab. Someone sent this to me and i did it while he incoherently yapped. If you're a hot chick livin in LA, just ask and i'll give you his number. :D

how old do you feel: depends on the day, but right now 21!
where were you on september 11th, 2001: high school library
what do you believe is the meaning of life: living it to the fullest and being happy
why is the sky blue: when light passes through the atmosphere, it hits oxygen, nitrogen, etc. and scatters. because the wavelengths of blue and violet are smaller, they are deflected the most, thus the blue appearance.
what is your favorite thing to cook: food for other people, ask me i like to cook anything/everything
you have only a dollar to your name...what do you buy: 100 rides on one of those ponies at the g-store. someone would probs be amused and give me money. at least i hope so.
what would your last meal be: wow, morbid. i dunno probably cake. that and chai.
what is the youngest age you have memories of: 5
what is your favorite thing in the world: love (yeah, corny....whatev)
have you ever punched someone on purpose: yes, my brother, but not to hurt him
do you know what color chartreuse is close to: ummm lime green i think. right?
did you like garbage pail kids: what???
why do we have daylight savings time: to coincide with when the sun sets. being awake during more daylight depending on where you live.
what living person would you want to meet: already met him. Rodger McFarlane.
what dead person: einstein, cause i think he would be funny as hell.
where in the world would you live if you could: probs in costa rica, but colorado is my favorite. i need to have all the seasons.
who is your favorite artist: ooooh tough one. i'll pick an art period instead, expressionist.
who has had the most influence on you (good or bad): mom. no one i know has gone through more unnecessary hardship.
what is your favorite dessert: raspberries or frozen grapes
do you know your personality type (the 16 type profiles): ESFj.
what age is your favorite so far in your life: 20
can you make cookies from scratch: yessum
was the chicken first or the egg: i think that there was some genetic premutation in some bird/animal that gave rise to the egg containing a "chicken". so the egg.
hershey or nestle: hershey i guess.
night out or night in: depends on who its with
single forever with a great family or no family and your soulmate: single forever with great family
what is your favorite scented candle: vanilla
what type of underwear do you prefer: boyshorts
do you ever wear a wife beater: yep, i have several
if you could live in a store which one would it be: super target
can you eat a dozen donuts in one sitting: probably, never have though.
what is your favorite curse word: crap or damn
your favorite regular word: yay
have you ever read/tried to read the bible: yes, i went to catholic school for 10 years.
have you ever heard of yahoo serious: don't think so
who do you dislike most in the world: no one in particular, cruel people
what is your ideal date: good conversation, food, and if all goes well a kiss or so at the end of the night :)
would you rather marry a deaf or blind person: blind, personality matters more so they would love me for me, not what i looked like. plus i would need them to talk to me.
what is your favorite shape: spade
can you eat just one chip: yes
where is the farthest you've ever been from home: costa rica
what is your desktop background: rainforest pic i took in CR
what song do you identify with most: dunno
which movie do you wish was your life: none. i like the element of surprise.
has someone ever intentionally put food on you: yes
what color is your favorite: blue
what color do you feel represents you: yellow or orange. cause i stand out.
do you believe in God: sometimes
have you ever broken a bone: nope
have you ever shut someone's fingers in a door: nope
would you rather be honest/poor or a liar/rich: honest/poor
what is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten and hated: mondongo (beef stomach stew) or bird feet
what is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten and liked: lychee
what is your ideal ice cream creation: strawberry milkshake
if you could marry someone from a movie (the character not actor) then who: andrew largeman in garden state or jake ryan in 16 candles
what is your favorite thing to do: hang with family/friends/loved ones or listen to music
what is your favorite junk food: nutella on toast
what is the longest you've gone without talking to anyone: like a year? i dunno
what is your favorite board game: risk
your favorite book: his brother's keeper or catcher in the rye
do you know how to change a tire: yep
would you consider yourself a geek: yep
what movie could you watch over and over again: ooh man too many. come over and i'll show you.
have you ever eaten paste: don't think so.
have you ever gone to the bathroom in front of someone: yes
what is your ideal halloween costume: radon, noble gas super hero
what toy have you always wanted and never gotten: nothing i can think of. i rarely want material things.
what item could you not go without during the day: somewhere to sleep or music
do you consider yourself a smart person: yes
have you ever peed in a pool: yep
who was your first crush: barrett straub
who was your first love: probs zach dillow. but i was like 13 and i haven't been IN love since.
do you close your eyes when you listen to music: sometimes
how old were you when life was the hardest: 18
do you eat the burnt chips: nopers
do you still have your baby blanket: at home in a box.
is there anything you HAVE to do everyday: brush my teeth
do you curse in front of family: yep
what is your favorite tv show ever: seinfeld
if you had to get back with and ex who would it be: zach dillow
when was the last time you felt truly loved by someone: last time i talked to my mom
what character trait would you change about yourself: i talk to much and put myself down a lot
3 wishes... go (no world peace. things that are possible): get my phd in neuropsych, fall in love, and live a financially secure life
have you ever passed out: yes, twice
have you ever slapped yourself in the face: ahahhaa yes.
have you been in a car accident that was your fault: yes.
you have to give up 1 of your 5 senses (smell, touch, sight, sound, taste) oh shit. sight.
favorite line from a song: "Belief, makes things real. Makes things feel, feel alright. Belief, makes things true. Things like you, you and I. Tonight, you arrested my mind. When you came to my defense. With a knife in the shape of your mouth, in the form of your body, with the wrath of a god. Oh, you stood by me." gavin degraw or "i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl whos still around the morning after" elliott smith
favorite line from a movie: "I recall when our lives were unusual and electric. When we burned with something close to fire. But now we sway to a different rhythm. Lives lived without meaning or even directed hope. The passage of time measured only by loss." the united states of leland
what do you do when the power goes out: cuddle esp if its cold outside

posted by Andie @ Monday, October 24, 2005 Comments: 1

the door in the floor....jeff bridges rocks my world

There was a little boy who didn't know if he wanted to be born.
His mommy didn't know if she wanted him to be born either.
This was because they lived in a cabin in the woods, on an island, in a lake -- and there was no one else around.
And in the cabin, there was a door in the floor.

The little boy was afraid of what was under the door in the floor and the mommy was afraid, too.
Once, long ago, other children had come to visit the cabin for Christmas, but the children had opened the door in the floor and they had disappeared down the hole.
The mommy had tried to look for the children, but when she opened the door in the floor she heard such an awful sound that her hair turned completely white, like the hair of a ghost.
And the mommy had also seen some things, things so horrible that you can't imagine them.

And so the mommy wondered if she wanted to have a little boy - especially because of everything that might be under the door in the floor.
Then she thought: 'Why not? I'll just tell him not to open the door in the floor!'
Yet the little boy still didn't know if he wanted to be born into a world where there was a door in the floor.

But there were also some beautiful things in the woods, and on the island, and in the lake.
'Why not take a chance?' the little boy thought.

So he was born, and he was very happy.
And his mommy was happy again too, although she told the boy at least once every day, 'Don't you ever, not ever - never, never, never open the door in the floor!'
But of course he was only a little boy.

If you were that boy, wouldn't you want to open that door in the floor?

posted by Andie @ Friday, October 21, 2005 Comments: 1

sleeeeeeep

as of late, i've been staying up later and later. many things have contributed to this insomnia and i'm not sure any of them are good. it has come to my attention that i'm going to be 21 in less than a week (!), sadly i'm not as excited as i should be. but i have been thinking far too much lately (surprise surprise) about life and my future and what i really want to/can do. the ribs aren't helping me much either. it feels like my ribs are trying to squeeze a few vital organs out of my rib cage in effort inflict more pain on my lung. it would help if they stayed attached to my sternum and spine. bastards! because of that, my appetite is lacking. ugh. i'll stop ranting, i'm getting annoyed with myself. lets hope this week goes by quick. i dunno how much longer i can go on 3 hours of sleep a night. : (

posted by Andie @ Wednesday, October 19, 2005 Comments: 1