you're not here anymore
and i think i'm falling apart. i sit in bars, getting lost in a sea of faces. attempting to find my way through parties and conversations. trying to make the most of what i've been through and what i've become. and all i'm wanting to do is get home. wherever it may be, at any given moment.
i do what i can, and that's all i can do. that and hope to god that i can save face for all my fuckups in between. and try for all its worth not to regret the ways i've spent my time. that's all i can hope for, these days.
130
done.
this weather is exhausting. being tired is so exhausting. school seems to get more and more exhausting as the weeks progress from there to here and here to there. trying to figure out how i'm going to leave this place on my own is exhausting. but the backs and forths and in betweens of love and indifference towards myself, are the worst. because i once learned that the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. it's just that i'm indifferent to the decisions i've made. truth be told, i don't regret anything. even though, lately, i feel like someone's just stolen my life away. the music just keeps playing. and i just feel so sad. and i know i don't do sad well. i dress it up as anger. there's a sense of control and power with anger. when it comes to my life, i don't know that i've ever really been angry. just devastated. devastation and good acting. suppression begets agression. and then i'm just a yoyo of emotion. the backs and forths of loving and ignoring me. and i don't feel like trying anymore.
"dark blue, dark blue...have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"
i dispise being this unhappy. and i don't know why i am anymore. i've gotten good at lying to myself. maybe tomorrow things will be better. but for now, i'm too scared to let anyone close. they'll see through my facade. no one needs that responsibility. i'll pretend to forget until i don't.
