only shadows.
i'm done. my troubled mind has started to eat away at me. its even begun to make me sick. breaking me apart from the inside out because it hurts to much to admit that i'm in pain. numbness and emptiness. that's all i feel anymore. love is gone. i have nothing left to give. nothing.
sleepless nights become lonelier. old faces mean less. the future is inescapable. losing the ones i love reminds me of the superficiality the world. i gave all my love to people who cared only about themselves. what a waste.
a shell of the former me. exposed angry hard defensive. you have no right to judge who i am. you helped make me this way.
i am too alone in the world.
i
am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough
to make every hour holy.
i am too small in the world, and yet not tiny enough
just to stand before you like a thing,
dark and shrewd.
i want my will, and I want to be with my will
as it moves towards deed;
and in those quiet, somehow hesitating times,
when something is approaching,
i want to be with those who are wise
or else alone.
i want always to be a mirror that reflects your whole being,
and never to be too blind or too old
to hold your heavy, swaying image.
i want to unfold.
nowhere do i want to remain folded,
for where i am bent and folded, there i am lie.
and i want my meaning
true for you. i want to describe myself
like a painting that i studied
closely for a long, long time,
like a word i finally understood,
like the pitcher of water i use every day ,
like the face of my mother,
like a ship
that carried me
through the deadliest storm of all.
disconnect.
we walk with importance. our lives, our routines, our tasks, even our problems are so important. the decisions we have to make. so important. even though they've all been made before. i've been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things surrounding me. and even more, everything that once did. i watch how plans can sometimes get ahead of me. how everything there was can lay sidewalks down in front of me. but this.....this is what i always do. i am a sentimental being. i can't help but wonder about everything that came before the importance of now. how the importance of now so often becomes all that came before.
i don't know how to let go. of much. of anything at all, really. i keep my ear to the ground because (sometimes unbearably) i'm waiting for the past to come back. hope and regret. i think at times that's all we're really made of. and i wonder why we can't just bury both.
i am sentimental. i don't know how to let go of much. and so i wring my hands. and so i make a bed in the dirt and keep my ear to the ground.
love.
my birthday is 14 days away from today. the sad thing is, i'm more excited about hanging out with the people i love than turning 22. its a great excuse to get everyone i heart hanging out with over here at the same time. i'm pretty sure that's what we should be celebrating, the people who make us who we are. too bad it doesn't work out that way majority of the time. i love my friends, i'm not sure what i'd do without them.
