jump start.
yep, its gonna be another one of those nights. the ceiling hanging over me. covers off, eyes wide open. and nothing. i'm not sure why. echoes of occasional cars passing and i have that feeling that my heart's in my throat, trying to escape the wear and tear of what my head's been putting it through. what was i expecting? something to change.
i miss feeling like i'm part of something. the physical confirmation of importance, meaning to my existence. feeling something, anything. all i feel lately is incapable. maybe its the company i'm keeping.
i'm falling out of bed and slipping into clothes carelessly left on the floor or in the hamper. moving blindly through crowds of people, one foot in front of the other, just waiting to fall. waiting to wake up. i need to wake up. come find me. shake me, break me. i'll be waiting. toe-tagged and wide-eyed.
poo on toprol.
my meds are not making life any easier right now. apparently because my condition lists all my
actual symptoms as side effects i get all the other random ass side effects such as: depression, insomnia, nightmares and, of course, the desire to do absolutely NOTHING. glee! the doc says i need to be around people who make me happy. haha. oh man. tais has even dubbed me the "crazy medicated lady". you would think that the doctors would find me something to increase my heart rate a little. nah, apparently everyone wants a pulse of 48. lets just make her more slow and retarded, stopping that epinephrine is really gonna help. currently i've been reduced to a zombie like state, except i'm not so white. yeah, so i'm hostile. sue me.
you smile.
let's lay here for a while. watching the clouds. your hands. and you try despite everything. we feel our lives moving past. our perfect lives about to crack below us. and we try in spite of ourselves. i start to understand you. and i begin to see how you see me. in spite of me.
you say hello and smile. i smile. coffee shops on sunday afternoons, where i wait for you. and we see how easy it is. and how perfect, in spite of ourselves. friends of yours. friends of mine. we laugh. and we smile.
and you say goodnight. but i know its goodbye. just because.
