my privacy has always meant so much to me and i am not sure why. with my inverting tendencies and my guilt-associated-need-to-feel-shame in regard to the rush of feelings at a young age. times when i felt so alone in the midst of my friends. i easily hold things in. i often think through the first three lines of conversation and what the other person might say before i even go up to them to say something. i feel comfortable one on one but self-conscious in groups. i have many friends and family that i only show certain sides of my life to. they each get a different shade of who i am. same at the core but very different on the outside and you'd have to put them all together to get a clear view of who i am. i don't trust certain friends with certain information. the thought of my ex-boyfriend knowing where i live would make me severely uncomfortable. to some i am loud and funny to others i am sensitive and calm and collect. i protect myself and my secrets fiercely. i have to protect what i have or others will try to break it, try to tell me why it's wrong, try to conform me.
yet i don't feel this is the end goal. i believe the end goal is transparency. living without shame or boundaries. giving myself up to friends and strangers alike so that there are no secrets... just a small level of privacy. nothing to hide. being myself. breathing for myself and not for what others think and feel. i am getting there slowly but i have to get there on my terms and this is my way there as best i know how. yet if i hold it in i will surely die but i have to hold it dear now, so that in the end i will have something to let go of instead of never having anything in the first place.
