This is me.

.....should work on letting people in. i used to be an open book. heart on my sleeve, never afraid to talk about the things we really ought to be talking about. and then fear set in. fear is some pretty powerful stuff. i'd seen a lot of people get hurt, i'd found myself getting hurt. i didn't know how to stop it. how to numb myself to it.

i grew up watching my dad always in control and learning he only knew two ways of communicating: yelling and silence. my mom would just let him and i never wanted to be like her, subjecting myself to such anger. so somehow, i taught myself that the only way out, was to never let anyone in. if i ever felt like someone could be capable of hurting me, i immediately shut them out. you see, i have very thin skin, and i'm easily hurt (and you'd never know, because i play the stoic role very well). so over time i build my walls, until there is no way you can get to me and then, i leave. i never even considered it a bad thing. i was just protecting myself. i just didn't want to get hurt. i needed to be strong, because growing up i had never been strong. i had seen what weakness could do to people. people who were weak were controlled, manipulated and hurt, time and time again. i never wanted to be that way.

and i guess, somehow, in trying to be so strong, i lost myself. the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and talked about the things we ought to be talking about. it's just hard to find that happy medium between being someone's punching bag and being too strong. between being naive and being an asshole. it's sad what fear can do to us.