To the Hand by W.S. Merwin
What the eye sees is a dream of sight
what it wakes to
is a dream of sight
and in the dream
for every real lock
there is only one real key
and it’s in some other dream
now invisible
it’s the key to the one real door
it opens the water and the sky both at once
it’s already in the downward river
with my hand on it
my real hand
and I am saying to the hand
turn
open the river
clean.
"This shaking keeps me steady. I should know. What falls away is always. And is near. I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I learn by going where I have to go."
-T. Roethke, 'The Waking'
at some point you just have to accept your hurt and vulnerability and walk away from what hurts you that you cannot fix. and even if its your own hand that holds you, you won't be without someone to hold onto.
i'm allowed to feel down. and upset. and
i'm allowed to show it. my dad was never big on listening. so i learned to be good at pretending things were
ok. i think that's why i hold it in. because i don't want the people i love to abandon me. and so now i need to keep reminding myself that its okay to feel down. something can be learned from this. i need to stop hurting myself.
i'm going to find someone who's willing to listen to me.
The More Loving One... by: W.H. Auden
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
somewhere to let go...
i think a lot about my life. and how my life is changing. everything changes and its out of my hands. even when
i'm closing my eyes, now matter how hard i try to hold on.
i try and catch myself letting go because its so hard to let the things you love pass by. stopping myself from saying goodbye, knowing its easier to just leave it and pretend these wonderful things never existed. waving goodbye to all the things i let myself spread so thin. so thin that
i'm not sure there's really anything left to call my own.
but i let go. of all the things i love. because i would rather everyone else be happy than me. because
i'm not sure i can make anyone really happy and i try so hard it ends up hurting me more than i ever imagined. on my better days, i realize that maybe these things were never really mine in the first place. and that makes it all the more depressing.
my life is in turmoil. everything around us is changing and in such ways that it is completely out of our control. more often now, than ever before in my life, i have found i must fight for what i believe in. in the end, its my passion that creates my downfall and my passion that destroys me. though all these hard times, the only person who will listen is you. so you have to listen to your heart and your head and decide, because no one else can decide your life for you. its too much of me for anyone to want to listen to it anymore.
we are changing. and letting go. because we cannot hold on forever. we need to fight for what we believe. sometimes we have to give up what we want for the sake of those around us. sacrifice is necessary to make people happy. and if i have to endure as a result, then suffer i shall. right now i know i cannot be selfish enough to be happy. i will find a time to live for me.
i think about the life
i'm living. and how things are changing. how the things that change are completely out of our hands sometimes. what i force myself to believe just to get by. all the things i can't seem to get my head around.
i think i may leave for
greece next week. school has become so overwhelming. i have found that all the important things i once knew are gone now. so i need to search for some importance. i can graduate later. its not like
i'm leaving forever. maybe you'll see me again. and
i'll be an entirely new person.
the bottom...i think.
my mom keeps telling me "once you hit rock bottom the only place you can go it up!". the problem is that i thought i already hit the bottom. and everyday that fucking hole just gets deeper and deeper. if i'm not careful, i'll be in china soon.
back for more.
we can't help it. we wear our scars so people can see where we've been. so we can find our way. we have stories to tell, about where we've been and what we've done. they're our scars. no one else has the same ones. and sometimes, we wish they belonged to someone else.
i remember the first boy i thought i loved. he came and went and came and then went, for a long time. each time i saw him, no matter how long it had been, my heart raced, my palms sweat, and i worried about every word i spoke. i never understood why he was always leaving. never around for any good amount of time. but he knew i would always be waiting. the time before i last time i saw him, i think he broke my heart.
but this happens every time. people come and go. sometimes they come back. i learned, i learned to toughed up and turn my back sometimes. on those occasions when they returned, i let them back in. into my heart. but you can't just stop loving someone so quickly.
some people just aren't ready to be completely encompassed in someone else's love. its just so many emotions. and we don't always experience the same ones. in time i thought, maybe, i could be one of those people. but its too scary to be caught up with one person, so they know everything about you. because that's who i am. i give me. all of me. and as of this moment, i don't know of one guy i want to give all of me to.
so i take what i can. i'm opening my eyes. i'm trying not to let my scars lead me, just remind me of where i've been. i let them tell me about how i got where i am. because sometimes, as much as i wish they weren't mine, my scars make me, me. so i look forward, with open, knowing eyes. and a guarded heart. into the future. into the unknown.
falling apart at the seams
in one way or another, we're all self destructive. i care too much. i care so much, i can't let it show. otherwise i'm that girl i love to hate, all overly emotional. its exhausting and overwhelming keeping it all inside. i sacrifice my life in the name of caring. this is how i sleep at night and how i think i fall in love. and, most of all, how i get so anxious and depressed. i fall apart at the seams, into a million pieces. at your feet. onto the sidewalks. into the street and under cars.
we are heavy hearted. and we are self destructive. all in our own ways. our families exhaust us. our families love us. even if they don't know how to show it. and i'm blessed because i have a family to be with. and i'm sad because there are so many other people i wish i could be with. and i'm lonely, because love doesn't come easy when you don't know how to let it or others in; for fear you might fall apart at the seams.
the snow keeps coming back. i stand on the porch watching it fall onto the streets. blanketing the world. the snow i'll have to trek my way through to get back to my life. trying to get to the people i love. i don't know the rules anymore. i don't know the right things to say or when to say them. the cynical idealist. the cold nostalgic. it's funny how our most endearing qualities are usually the one's we're most afraid to share. the ones we spend so much time trying to hide from.
