home
Have you ever felt like just running away? Not from anywhere in particular just life in general. Today, that's what I wanted to do. I sat in my old room, on my ancient bed and I felt like I didn't know where I was. For the first time in a long time, I felt suffocated. Maybe I always felt that way. Today was different though. It was one of those days where everything seems to go by in slow motion. Or it could've just been my imagination. I know I think too much. Its not really my house itself that makes me feel trapped, but my own brain and my own thoughts. I feel like I'm not doing something I'm supposed to. Almost like my standards aren't high enough and because of that, I will never achieve this hidden goal. I have spent my life waiting for something to happen and I have come to understand that nothing will....Or it already has, and I blinked during that moment and it's gone. I don't know which is worse--to have missed it or to know there is nothing to miss. I'm terrified of uncertainty, yet its the one thing I want to accept. I have such high aspirations in my life and I am scared shitless that I'll fail miserably. I want to be confident in myself and become be the person everyone thinks I am. How will I ever live up to the expectations others have of me? I can never depend on anyone or anything but me. I don't trust anyone. And that's tough. Everyone tells me that it's not healthy to keep everything bottled up inside, but what can I do? Who am I supposed to trust? I think this is why I want to run away from my life. Life isn't horrible, its just not wonderful. I want to go away, to somewhere I've never been and I want to be daring, do something unexpected. Problem is, I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist anymore. And I won't feel secure until I create a new idea of home. I need people who want to miss the same imaginary place as me. Then maybe I won't have anything to run away from.
an understanding of sorts
I hate realizing what i did wrong. When it happens i want to go back to fix what i did. Its not regret, just a fear that this is the one mistake that will eventually overwhelm me. As if this time there is nothing i can do to make up for what i did. And that is why i'm nothing special really. That's why guy don't like being part of my life. I think too much and by the time i make up my mind i don't have choices anymore. By then the only option left for me is the one thing i never wanted in the first place. Which is pretty upsetting. But the one thing i don't understand is if i know that i think too much, why am i still doing it? How come learning from my mistakes seems absurd? I need to say what i feel and stop being a wuss.
ahhh the perfect man....haha
Scott's comments on me finding the perfect man if i keep letting mean violent men into my life.
Swig13: one day you'll meet him
Swig13: he'll be straight out of prison
Swig13: for killing two men
Swig13: in a bar down in tijuana
Swig13: with tattoos all over his chest
Swig13: and a bike strapped to his crotch
Swig13: and you'll hop on the back
Swig13: and drive into the sunset
Swig13: with nothing but a pair of cheap sunglasses and some chapstick
ya know....after a while....
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye you learn...
Did i mention that i over analyze things??? B knows me all too well. And that my away messages say exactly what i'm thinking......
FultRon Ferarri: don't be concerned with away messages
sosaveit: otay
sosaveit: you either
FultRon Ferarri: well, i know you tho
FultRon Ferarri: you a different flower
sosaveit: haha
FultRon Ferarri: i can read you like a book
FultRon Ferarri: but it is a pretty interesting book
Haha....this made me laugh
Apparently its not ok for boys to talk to me. Poor guy, he never saw it comin'. B and Andrew.....you make me laugh. : )
FultRon Ferarri: im talking to that creepy guy for you
sosaveit: do it
sosaveit: do it now
sosaveit: fuck himnhyu
sosaveit: up
FultRon Ferarri: this must be andrew
sosaveit: yo
FultRon Ferarri: ya she was talking to this creepy guy earlyer
FultRon Ferarri: i think im gonna have a "talk" with him
sosaveit: i'll bring my five iron
sosaveit: we can talk in the alley behind PIKE
FultRon Ferarri: we dont need no five iron
sosaveit: hahaha
sosaveit: i like it
FultRon Ferarri: he sounds whimpy
sosaveit: hahahaha
sosaveit: aight then, ill just watch
FultRon Ferarri: ndeed
